Hurt Me

When I look back and I see all the mistakes I made... I can never bring myself to regret them. I wouldn't change a thing. Everyone always says they'd want to go back, they'd want to say goodbye, or do that one last thing. But me? No. Because that one thing could change everything. And then, I might not be with you.  And I couldn't even imagine where I would be if it wasn't for you. You saved me from the horrible person I was soon to become. And for that I am forever in your debt....

I laid their next to him, hoping to feel something. Anything. But I couldn't seem to get it. I looked over at him to see him staring at the sky perfectly content. A big smile on his face. As if he didn't have a care in the world. I can't imagine how he can feel this way. His arm was draped around me and he looked so happy. Why couldn't I feel the same way?? Why couldn't everything be perfect like it was six months ago? What a stupid question, I told myself. You know why. You know perfectly well why it will never be the same.
I could feel the stinging of tears and I knew at that very second that I had to get away... I couldn't bear one more second. I slammed his hand down and I broke into a sprint. I had no idea where I was going. I could barely see straight. I just knew I had to run. Run away from here. Away from him. I had to find a place. Where I was safe. A place where no one could hurt me. A special place where I didn't have to fear him. I wanted to stop being scared. I wanted to stop all this pain. But I knew there was no way I could get away from him. He'd come for me.
I knew.
I knew from the very first time he hit me. He blamed all of me for his problems. And yet he still says he loves me. Tells me that he wants to be with me every day for the rest of his life. And I love him. I really do. But sometimes I have to ask myself why. Especially when I have to put on my plastic smile. When I look in the mirror before I put on my make up, I don't notice anything but the bruises. I don't see anything but what he made me. What he turned me into. I thought he was different. I thought he was perfect. But I was wrong. Boy, was I ever wrong. And so stupid too. Every night when I crawl into bed I ask myself "why?". Why am I still with him? Why don't I leave? Why do I still love him? Why don't I tell someone. But then that raises the question... who would I tell? Who would know how to help? Which raises another question... what would he do to me if I told? He'd probably yell. Scream. Hit me again.
He stole it from me.
He took it. Without my permission. I didn't want it to happen that way. I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to be on the perfect night. With the perfect person. Preferably my husband. I know that sounds so cheesy. I mean who now a day's waits till marriage? I wanted to. I wanted the perfect night, with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.... but we don't always get what we want.
When I finally couldn't run anymore I decided to stop. My heart was beating fast and my throat was burning but that's not why I crawled under the slide at the playground and began to cry. I didn't know what to do or who to go to. So I just sat there and cried. The sun had set hours ago and I knew the second I walked through the door my mother would murder me. But right now I didn't care. I just sat there and cried. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else.
I think an hour had passed and then I saw him. My biggest fear. My biggest weakness. The very thing I had been running from. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what came next. He looked so angry. I felt myself begin to shake.... then his voice broke through the silence...
"You stupid slut! What gives you the idea you can run off? You think I enjoy spending two hours looking for you? What the hell is your problem?" he continued to yell and scream at me. All I could do was shake as I began to sob violently. That didn't stop him from doing what came next. He started to charge toward me, I was still on the ground, backing slowly away from him. I was so afraid that if I tried to get up and run that the pain would come faster.  When the sand ended and I slammed into the cement barrier I knew I was done. He grabbed me by the hair and swung me around. My head began to burn as sand found its way into the cut I'd gotten when I hit the cement. He kicked me in the rib cage and I began to cry harder.
"Is that enough? Have you learned your lesson?" I shook my head yes. The lump in my throat was too big for me to form words so I just continued to nod my head. "I don' believe you,"
he said with a calm tone to his voice. I was positive that there was more coming, but a little voice still had some hope that maybe he was done....